Owling Voldemort
by HermioneGrunge
Summary: Another IMDB inspired story. If owl's know where to deliever, why not send Voldemort fan...er i mean hate mail?
1. Owling Voldie

Disclaimer: I'd love to own all of this...but sadly i dont.

Summary: Another one of those IMDB inspired stories. AsD3EATHB4DISHONOR said, If owl's know where to deliver, send an owl to Voldie!

* * *

Chapter 1

* * *

Dear Voldie,

Quit it will you? Harry Potter is better than you. He just rocks and you dont. So quit this whining cause it's bringing us down. Why cant you just die and get it over with? go away!

The Wizarding World

* * *

Dear Voldie,

Stop trying to kill us. We made movies like The Ring, Psycho and The Exorcist so you just dont scare us.

Muggles

* * *

Dear Voldie,

Why do you hate us because we're not pure blood? You're a half blood yourself right? hypocrite!

Muggleborns and Half-bloods

* * *

Dear Tom,

HA HA HA HA HA HA. Harry beat you again. You didnt get the Sorcerers Stone and now i have destroyed it. Sucks to be you. Now dont bother coming back

Dumbledore

* * *

Dear Tom,  
Lucius opened the Chamber of Secrets. But guess who saved the day? Yep! Harry!

Ha ha

DD

* * *

Dear Tom,  
I thought i told you not to come back? Really now! Trying to kill Harry is just getting old no? I heard Priori Incanteum happened when you tried to kill him? Good. You're stupid.

DD

* * *

Dearest Tom,  
Still thinking about what happened at the Ministry? Now that everyone believes me and knows you're back, things are going to be harder for you no? YAY! Like i said before, sucks to be you.

DD

* * *


	2. And Voldie writes back!

* * *

Chapter 2

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I'm doing a project on you and your powers. However i need an angle that will truly interest people. What is your weakness or Achilles heel? I'm sure people would love to know.

ProjectGirl

* * *

Dear ProjectGirl,

Nice try Miss Granger. Nice try.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

My mother is truly scared of you. She wont listen to me when i say you're  
a great big prat who cant even defeat a baby!

Reddie

* * *

Dear Reddie,

CRUCIO! Ronald Weasley! Crucio!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Moldevort,

I wrote a song about you -

Moldy Voldie  
He's an oldie  
he thinks he's so mean  
But he's just unclean  
The silly Voldie  
deluded oldie  
think's he's so cruel  
But he's a fool

Boony

* * *

Dear Boony,

Are you that freaky girl who came to the Ministry of Magic with Potter? What's your name? Lovegood, isnt it?

Voldie

* * *

Yo Voldie,

Sup you great big bully? Out muggle-baiting again? Mad boy! er bad boy i mean. So whose your new second in command now that Lucius is in jail? Is it Snapey-boy? Hmmm? Coz he's a foooool like you.

HumbleBore

* * *

HumbleBore,

Dumbledore. How. Dare. You.

Voldie

* * *

Tommie-Boy,

Looks like you had nothing better to say, huh? I thought you were  
smart! tsk tsk.

Dumbby

* * *

DUMBLEDORE STOP WRITING TO ME

Voldie

* * *

Lord Stupid,

You should cut youself on your head with a knife. Maybe with a scar you'll be able to beat the great Harry Potter, Boy-who-lived!

Me

* * *

Dear Me. Er You. Er...whoever,

Yes Harry Potter, one day i will beat you. Scar or not.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,

Riddle me this - what's a cat with whickers called?

Curious

* * *

DUMBLEDORE IF YOU DONT STOP WRITING TO ME I WILL KILL YOUR STUPID BIRD!

Voldie

* * *

Tommy,

The bird comes back to life. Every time.

You're dumb!

NOT DUMBledore

* * *

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH!

Voldie

* * *


	3. Getting to know Voldie

A/N: OMG! I cant believe so many people liked this story! That's so cool! Oh and by the way

1) DD Dumbledore

2) The characters are supposed to be OOC. :P

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm thinking of doing a special reviewer letter chapter in which i will put in all your letters to Voldieif you send me the one you want to use! What do you guys think?

Till then, here's another chapter...you can find more of the song given in this chapter in my other fic 'The Death Eaters Sing'

* * *

Chapter 3

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

We have kidnapped Mr. Wally and you shall not get him back unless you stop being evil! Give up!

Kidnappers

* * *

Kidnappers,

Dumbledore and Minerva! I knew it. Luckily i acted upon my hunch and sent my faithful death eater to steal my teddy bear back from you. How dare you kidnap my teddy bear? What did Mr. Wally ever do to you?

Voldie

* * *

Volomodrtyertesyuuyer, 

I wrote another song

Voldie's a killer  
He's always chewing gum  
There's no one sillier  
And he's in love with krum

His eyes are like snakes  
He loves to bake cakes  
He eats snow flakes  
and likes to jump into lakes

Boonie

* * *

Ms Lovegood,

HOW DID YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT INFORMATION? Particularly my affections for Mr. Krum? I will have to find you and modify your memory!

Voldie

PS: Although i am quite proud of my double chocolte frosting cake!

* * *

Dear Voldie-thingy,

I was wondering if you would like to star in one of my movies. I'm doing this new one about aliens and stuff and i was wondering if you'd like to be my star alien. I'll save money on make up and everything!

Speilberg

* * *

Dear Speilberg, 

I LOVE YOUR WORK! Of course i'll be an alien in your movie. Can i have an autographed picture of you?

Voldie

* * *

Dear Vol, 

My wife has a huge crush on you and it annoys me. Are you guys  
going out behind my back?

Less Strange

* * *

Dear Lestrange, 

What Bellatrix and I do behind your back is none of your business.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldemort, 

I've noticed that you sign all of your letter's off as 'Voldie'. What gives?

Wormmie

* * *

Dear Wormtail, 

If you are brave enough to ask me that to my face, i'll tell you.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

We heard that Luna Lovegood wrote a song about you so we decided to try our hands at it too. Look -

So no one told you life  
was gonna be this way  
Your plans get thwarted by  
Harry Potter everyday

It's like your spells are  
stuck in your wand  
Well when you havent beaten Harry for weeks, or months or even years

We'll be there for you  
While Harry is escaping  
We'll be there for you  
When Dumbledore is better  
We'll be there for you  
Cause if we werent, we'd be killed

The Death Eaters

* * *

Dear Death Eaters, 

Changing the lyrics of the theme song to Friends does not qualify as song writing. And did you think i wouldnt notice that you had ripped off 'I'll be there for you'? How could i not notice? I LOVE THAT SHOW! Especially Phoebe and Joey.

Voldie

* * *


	4. Your Say

A/N: OMG! You guys rock! And everyone on IMDB rocks too! I cant believe this! This is the most reviews i've ever got on this account!

Okay i promised i'd do a reveiwer hate letter chappie so here it is. I might do more in the future so feel free to keep 'Owling Voldie'!

Disclaimer: The letters written in this chapter are by various reviewers of this story. And the replies are written by Voldemort himself! Ok so the replies are written by me...but wouldnt it be cool if we could REALLY owl Voldie?

* * *

Chapter 4

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I have Nagini. If you want her back, give me a big bag of candy. I'm allergic to nuts, caramel, chocolate, sugar, and artifical flavoring. Good luck finding me some candy. On second thought, I'd just like a big bear hug from you. :) I'll be waiting in your closet.

Sincerely,  
Nagini's Kidnapper.

* * *

Dear Kidnapper,

I'll take my chances with the candy thank you. I got you some gummy  
bears. Now give me myfaithfull animaland get out of my closet.

...There's a sentence i never thought i'd say.

Voldie

PS: The thought of hugging you is scarier than death!

* * *

Dear Voldemort,  
The slightly-less-dark-lord Smerrwazz is very impressed by your work...Not. She thinks you might need a better image and recommends talking in third person like she does, it brings the illusion of being an omniscient narrator. She would also like to suggest ditching the Death Eaters for green and blue gymnastic penguins as they are very much scarier.  
Signed,  
Smerrwazz, the lord  
P.S. She hopes you don't mind, but she borrowed a few death eaters to help feed her pet aligator, she has however every intention of sending back the left overs.

* * *

Dear Smerwazz,

Now why are you being like this? I told you there wasa REASON we couldnt keep seeing each other. I'm gay, remember?

And no i dont mind about the death-eater alligator thing...you chose three of my worst death eaters. Shame you didnt choose Wormtail. Oh well.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
Hey, did it ever occur too you that when your immortal and finished killing off muggles, that you will have nothing to do for the rest of time and forever seeing as you will be immortal and stuck doing nothing for forever?  
Just wondering...  
Surf All Day And Do The Hula

* * *

Dear S.A.D.A.D.T.H,

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!

I think i must get you over to the dark side. You can be useful. You are smart!  
Maybe you can help increase my IQ from 70 to 90! Then i wont be slow anymore!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldemort,  
We the International League of Evil Villian Type People (ILEVP) are pleased to inform you that after a long period of consideration, you have been voted Evil Guy of the Year! You and The Wicked Witch of the West (our Evil Girl of the Year) are hereby invited to come and pick up your trophies from our Super Secret Headquarters (For more information contact Cruella De Vil or Count Olaf).  
Congratulations and much hope for more Evil Deeds in the future,  
Sauron, Evil Guy in Chief!  
Smerrwazz, Slightly-Less-Dark-Lord  
Wicked Step-Mother, Top Cheese, Head Villianess  
P.S. Please tell us if you would like a gift card for Joe's Fish Market or Bob's Cheese Shop instead of the usual potted plant recieved by Evil Guy of the Year, unfortunatly the Wicked Witch of the West has claim to the coupon for Stinky's Shoe Store.

* * *

Dear ILEVP, 

YIPPEE! Finally! I'm so happy. Yay!

So...Witchy has taken the coupon for Stinky's Shoe Store, eh? Drat! I wanted that. I need more Stinky Shoes! Silly Witchy!

I shall come and pick up my trophy right away. After all, i like collecting trophies :)

Voldie

* * *

Moldywart,  
Why don't you go get all of your Horcruxes together, destroy them, and kill yourself with the "Avada Kedavra" curse? That's what it's going to come to, anyway! Harry Potter is SO much better than you are, and he'll kill you! So, why don't you just save Harry the trouble? But before you do that whole suicide thing, 'cause I want you to cast the "Crucio" curse on yourself. See, how it feels to all of those people who you do it on! I'm a witch-at-heart... don't mess with me!  
Patriot Girl (Because I abide by the laws of my country!)

* * *

Dear P.G,

But i like making Harry go through all that trouble. It's FFFUUUUUNNNN! You are  
another one who should think about joining me. I forsee that you will be great trouble for  
me if you are against me.

And DONT say i have as much foresight as Sybil Trelawny. That ALWAYS makes me cry!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Mr. stupidity,  
Harry Potter is superior to you! could YOU get the sorceror's stone out of the mirror of Erised? could YOU kill a basilisk without a wand? could YOU fight off hundreds of dementors without your little army of stupid heads? could YOU persuade merpeople to let you take more than one of the hostages? could YOU get past a dragon by flying a broomstick? could YOU get out alive in a fight with... wait a second... another you I guess... could YOU fight off all your death eaters at only the age of fifteen? could YOU do any of the amazing things the boy who lived did?

-Ze Demon Poet

* * *

Dear Poet,

That wasnt very good poetry. As for all the other stuff, i'll give you 5767294986529865 candy canes to keep quiet about it all.

Voldie

PS: Oh now you've done it! Here come the water works!

* * *

Dear voldie

I love your work, i must say you must have a song that you can sing every time you are going to kill someone, so i took the liberty of writing one for you:

Dont speak  
cause im just gonna kill you  
i will stop explaining  
dont tell me if it hurts  
Dont speak  
cause i dont need your reasons  
im gonna kill you anyway  
oh no, dont speak  
if you keep speakin theres gonna be some spankin  
dont tell me if it hurts  
oh no, dont speak  
i know what your thinking  
my dress just makes me slimin  
dont tell me if it hurts!

good luck!

- wormtail

* * *

Dear wormtail...? 

You are great!I was singingthat songin the shower yesterday and the Death Eaters recorded me. They're going to send the recording to Capitol records! Thanks to you, i might become the next Britney Spears! Woo Hoo!

Voldie

* * *

A/N: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA your letter's were amazing! Sorry if i didnt include someone...i think i missed out a few. But i'll include them next time for sure! 

Letter credits:

Letter 1: dreamweaves  
Letter 2: silverphoenix2  
Letter 3: Surf All Day And Do The Hulla  
Letter 4: silverphoenix2  
Letter 5: Patriot Girl  
Letter 6: Alice dra Tasuh Buad  
Letter 7: Shae / Bellatrix


	5. The Trio, Krum and More

A/N: Thank You all for the wonderfull reveiws and for the even more wonderfull letters to Voldie! You'll be seeing your letters answered by Voldie in the next chapter, so stay tuned!

Here's something to read till then...minor HBP spoilers in this chapter by the way. Very minor. The last 2 trio letters are by musicsoul52 from IMDB. I just had to use them because they are awesome.

* * *

Chapter 5

* * *

Dear Mr. Voldemort, 

I was wondering if you would consider becoming my friend and penpal. You see, i've noticed that you dont have any friends, just followers. I'm a psychaitrist by profession and i think i can help you overcome your insecurities.

Dr. Grunge

* * *

Dear Dr. Grunge, 

I would love to talk to you. See i think the fact that i'm so 'insecure' is because this stupid little boy called Harry Potter keeps trying to stop me from taking over the world. I dont know what his problem is. He has these two REALLY annoying friends who are always helping him out. They're so annoying! Especially that Hermione Granger. She think's she so clever that she can pretend to be a shrink just to find out more about me so that she can work on ways to destroy me. Tell me Dr. GRANGER, Do you think i should kill you?

Voldie

* * *

Dear Dark Lord, 

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Remember me? I stole your Horcrux. La dee da dee da!

R.A.B

* * *

Dear R.A.B, 

Arent you supposed to be dead? And why did you steal my Horcrux?  
i thought you were on my side?

Voldie

* * *

Volvo, 

Well i'm NOT. You are silly billy billy silly blah man!

R.A.B

* * *

Miss Lovegood do you have a death wish? Because i know it's you. The real R.A.B is dead, no? 

Voldie

* * *

Dear Volly, 

I haff recieved your letter and i vas very surprised by vat you vrote.  
I am flattered by your affections tovards me but i am afraid that i do not  
feel the same vay. I am very sorry but i cannot have a romantic dinner vith you on the rooftop.

Victor Krum

* * *

Dear Victor, 

But why? I'm so loveable! You have made me both sad and angry and when  
i am angry i feel like killing. So unless you go out with me i will  
kill you and your whole family and i will kill Miss Granger as well!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Volly, 

Vat time is dinner, then?

Krum

* * *

Sup Tommy? 

We just wanted to tell you that you're a loser who cant do anything  
right. K?

Peace out!

The Terrific Trio

* * *

Sup Trio, 

I just wanted to say that you guys are like friggin losers who  
will lose to me when the totally humongous battle comes about, k?

Alrite i'm outta here,

Voldie

PS: Look i'm learning your lingo! I rock!

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
Nope, your not learning our lingo.  
Learn the lingo or play bingo, mother beep  
Peace Out A-Town,  
the trio

* * *

DEAR TRIO, 

HOW CAN YOU USE SUCH LANGUAGE? YOU'RE  
MAKING ME BLUSH! YOU NAUGHTY CHILDREN!  
YOU MUST NOT SWEAR!

VOLDIE

* * *

DEAR VOLDIE,  
STOP YELLING IT REALLY BOTHERSUS WHEN  
YOU USE CAPS LOCK. STOP IT  
YOU EVIL MOTHER beep  
SINCERLY,  
THE TRIO.

* * *

DEAR TRIO,  
YEAH THATS THE POINT  
I AM YELLING, NO?  
YOU SILLIES!  
-VOLDIE

* * *


	6. More Funny Mail

A/N: Thank You all for the wonderfull reveiws! Here are your letters people. Voldie has been busy with New Years which is why he took time to reply. But he's replied to them all now! Take a look! Letter credits at the end.

* * *

Chapter 6

* * *

Moldywart,  
"Witch-at-heart"... can't you read between the lines? It means I'm a Muggle who wishes that I was a witch! I would be of no use to you! And, just to make you cry, you DO have as much, if not less, foresight than Sybil Trelawney! HA HA HA! Don't mess with me! Harry is better than you are, so give up! It's not worth the trouble! I still think suicide is the best way to go... 

Patriot Girl

* * *

Dear P.G, 

Muggle did you say? DARN! Never mind, you can be snake food for Nagini. She likes to eatmuggles. That's your punishment forcomparing me toSybil Trelawny. You made me cry! Just the memory is making me tear up...

CRAP NOW I'M CRYING AGAIN!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldemort,  
As an anonymous fanfiction author I would like to know the best way to steal the basic story-line of Harry Potter for my own best selling novel series and not get caught (cough for once cough Ahem...) So I was thinking together we could be the greatest team there's ever been, Voldie, please Join me. We'll paraphrase our way to Fame!  
Love,  
No of course I've never read Harry Potter...(aka ..Smerrwazz! I shall get you back yet Voldie Woldie! XD!1!)

* * *

Smerry Cherry, 

That's what i'll call you if you call me Voldie Woldie! And i'd love  
to steal the HP storyline! I suspect that Miss Rowling is going to kill  
me off anyway. Might as well get back at her while i still can.

Voldie Woldie

P.S: If you think you're gonna get back at me you're Dreeeeeeeaaaammming. Blu blu blu!

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
Can I write a biography on you? That would be so great. Just come find me so we can do an interview! And take pictures for the cover. Yeah. So send me an owl with your answer! 

signed,  
some random person who wants to write a bio on you!

* * *

Dear Random Person, 

I would be delighted to have a biography of myself! I'll send you some pictures for the cover if you PROMISE not to superimpose them on a playboy bunnys body! The last time that happened wormtail kept sending me flowers and trying to...oh never mind.

And incidently if you happen to be Miss Granger, KEEP THAT INFORMATION TO YOURSELF UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
Wow, you think I'm smart? You must be the first person too do that, cause everyone thinks I'm dumb cause i got a D- in Science. Ah well.  
I have thoroughlly considered your offer to join you and I will accept! Now I can get revenge at my Science teacher! Mwahahahaha!  
Surf All Day And Do The Hula  
P.S. my real name is Caitlin

* * *

Dear Caitlin, 

Together we can misuse muggle artifacts, torture your science teacher, lock up all mean cheerleaders and...oh yeah...take over the world.

Voldie

PS: I think i'll name my child Caitlin. Oh wait. I dont have a child. Will you be my child?

* * *

Dear Voldie 

I would like to recommend you to have Plastic Surgery, as your skin is most freakishly pale.

And your hairline sucks.

Also, I would like to add that pink is the new black, so you should obviously change your Death Eater robes.

From 73- L337 /4574

* * *

Dear 73...whatever, 

Where did you hear that pink is the new black? Are you sure? According to last week's Death Eater Fashion Chronicle, black is in! I havent had a chance to read this week's fashion chronicle so maybe you're right! OMG! i'm freaking out! I cant be out of fashion! I shall order pink robes immediately.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Mr. Stupidity,  
You overlook the power of love, which would've caused your fate. Mr. Voldie Stupidity, You're an idiot! I don't like candy canes and that wasn't even part of my poetry. here's my poetry: 

First think of the thing,  
That comes from the fire,  
When we all know,  
It's starting to tire.

Next tell me the name,  
Of the air when it's strong,  
It has Mystical music,  
A tune, a song.

Next we will search,  
For a sound hard to find,  
And change the first word,  
So it rhymes with lined.

Now put them together,  
And answer my question,  
Which household creature,  
Is out of suggestion?

-Ze Demon poet  
an employee of Florish and Blots

PS-solve that and I MIGHT shut up...

* * *

Dear Ze Demon poet, 

This is Voldie's assistant. Voldie has been breaking his head trying to solve your RIDDLE (tee hee) but he's just not getting it. He even considered owling Hermione Grange since she's good at riddles! I keeppointing to the fireplacewhenever he's in the room but he's just too dumb to get anything!

Maybe if you keep him occupied like this, he'll forget about world domination and Harry Potter!

Voldie's Assistant

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
I am the descendant of Professor Trelawney and I predict that you will soon die. Yes, unfortunately it will be a freak accident, one in which is the most stupidest way to die. When your servant Wormtail attempts to cut down a tree (for whatever reason) the tree will fall on you. A grizzly bear will be situated in this tree and will claw you to death as he lands on you. There, now that you know your death you have only 3 weeks left to plot Harry Potter's death. 

Cassandra Trelawney Jr.

* * *

Dear Cassy, 

Since you're related to Sybil, i didnt think you're prediction would come true. However this morning a grizzly bear almost mauled me to death. Then i took off it's mask and saw that it was Rudolphus Lestrange trying to do me in because he thought i was seeing his wife. Stupid man doesnt know i'm gay. So i guess your prediction was KINDA true, no?

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldemort,  
You have greatly upset all the children of the world, and we the Parents Against Evil Dictators Society (PAEDS)would like to inform you that we are not below sending three ghosts to visit you in the night, now please, please (we are down on our knees begging here, show some compassion man!) just give back christmas.  
Sincerely,  
Cindy Lou Whoo, Head Whoo of PAEDS  
The Grinch, President of PAEDS  
P.S. Just between you and me Voldie, (this is the grinch) stealing all the toys from the little children doesn't feel nearly as good as you, you yourself carving roast beast.

* * *

Dear PAEDS, 

Well old grinchy has a point about the roast beast so i guess you stupid muggles can have your Christmas. And to Ciny Lou Whoo - You're a little boo. Happy Presidency girl!

Voldie

P.S: The three ghosts you sent me were awesome. We stayed up the whole night braiding each others hair and having pillow fights!

* * *

Dear Mr. Voldemort Stupidity Riddle,  
I hope this annoys you. CRID IB FEDR DRACA CDIBET NABMEAC YMNAYTO! HU UHA FYHDC DU RAYN FRYD OUI CYO! DRAO ZICD FYHD DU EHCIMD OUI! I love insulting you in another langauge. I learned most of that langauge from 'Y Kieta du Ym Prat' by Merae Rayman, it was once a best seller at Florish and Blots. I can also say 'You're dead' which is 'Oui'na tayt' and 'obey me' which is 'upao sa'. 

-the annoying author from florish and blots,  
Ymela fymgan

* * *

Dear Annoying Author, 

This is Voldie-chands assistant again. He's too busy crying to reply to your letter. You seem to  
have "annoyed him so deeply that his eyes began to fill with tears". (his sad poetic words, not mine). Eh-hem. So. I suggest that you keep sending things like this to him. I like it when Voldie cries! He's like a noseless baby!

Voldie's Assistant

* * *

Dear Voldy 

have you lost it? why the hell are you answering fan letters? you've given away the ending to book 7... oops! glances at fans you didnt hear that.

so cut it out NOW, or i'll make you wear pink robes in book 7!

signed

J.K.Rowling

PS: who d'you think i should kill in the next book: hermione or ginny?

* * *

Dear Miss Rowling, 

They're not FAN letters! They're HATE letters. And besides, i'd like to wear pink robes in book 7. Pink is the new black...havent you heard?

Voldie

P.S: Kill Hermione off. Loads of fans will be devastated and they'll try to kill you too. Fun no?

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort,  
You have just been entered in a contest for all people and living things who are evil. If you come to the contest on the 3rd of April, you have the chance to takeover the world. If you lose you will recieve 2 pennies (2 pence in UK) and you will lose EVERYTHING including your life.  
Society of Evil People Contests 

P.S. You were entered by a bald and not to mentiion ugly man named named Wormtail and by another man named Rodolphus Lestrange who was just equally ugly

* * *

Dear S.O.E.P.C, 

Hmmm...this is confusing. Should i sell my soul to the Devil or not? After all, Lucifer IS my thrid cousin...hmmm. I think i'll withdraw my application from the contest. I can take over the world on my own. And also, this will give me a chance to punish Lestrange and Wormtail. YIPPEE!

Voldie

* * *

To Voldie, 

Forwarded message:

Voldemort is a nerd

only nerds can make a horcrux!

how did he find out about how to make a horcrux anyway?

if he looked through more than 1 book to find how then he is more of a nerd than Hermione

haha

tell him that I'm not scared of him!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

heehee

Britta girl

* * *

Britta Girl, 

You may not be scared of me but i'm scared of you! That letter was scary! Dont you know that so many HAHA's freak me out? And F.Y.I i am a nerd. I got my whole world domination idea from watching Pinky and The Brain cartoons!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

I've been in love with you for a long time. Where do you live so I can come to you, my darling?

Love Interest

* * *

Dear Love Interest, 

I am very touched that someone loves me "sniffle" However, I am not stupid enough to let on where I live, particularly to you, Miss Granger. I know you're just trying to get Viktor back!

Sorry, but I'm still in love with Krum i don't want to share. Sucks to be you! MWAHAHA

Voldie

* * *

Letter Credits:

1- PatriotGirl  
2- Silverphoenix2  
3 - EmmaHermione1Fan  
4 - Surf all day and do the hula  
5 - .Aurorablu  
6 - Alice dra Tasuh Buad  
7 - pierrezgurl  
8 - silverphoenix2  
9 - Alice dra Tasuh Buad  
10 - Moon Wolf  
11 - Kanna  
12 - brittagirl  
13 + Reply - SongOfStars 


	7. He wants Pink!

A/N: Yes i know! But i've been busy, okay? Anyway, here it is you wonderful people! These are some more of your letters. There were so many letters! So i split this into two parts. If your letter doesnt appear here, it will in the next chapter.

Disclaimer: The very excellent website mentioned below owns the wall of shame quote.

* * *

Chapter 7

* * *

Hey Voldie! 

i'm so excited! im really looking forward to torturing my teacher... evil bitch... misusing muggle artifacts is fun, my fave thing to do is putting metal objects in microwaves so they blow up... my school doesnt have cheerleaders to lock up, but it does have traitorous-ex-best friends who would do the job nicely.

well gotta go.

Caitlin

ps. would you really adopt me? please ive got to get out of here!

* * *

Dear Caitlin, 

I have just illegally adopted you. Your mother must be so proud!  
I'm happy to hear that you misuse muggle articfacts. YAY! Good girl!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldmort 

Could you please send me my toad back? I miss him.

I don't think Harry gives a crap if my toad is killed so there is no use of using Trevor as leverage. PLEASE!

Sincerely

Neville Longbottom

P.S. if you REALLY want leverage maybe you should try somebody else. JUST GIVE ME MY TREVOR WEVOR BACK!

I MISS MY TOADY WOADY!

* * *

Dear Longbottom, 

I know Trevor does hold much value for Harry Potter but it was the only thing stupid enough to let me kidnap it. I tried to kidnap Mr Weasley and Miss Granger but they made me cry.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Dark Lord, 

I wish to join you! My sister thinks Mum would find out and kill me, but I'm good at hiding stuff. I hope you don't mind that I'm only in my third year at Hogwarts, but thirteen is old enough to want to hurt innoccent muggles, no?

Hope you consider it,

Jess

* * *

Dear Jess, 

Consider it? HOP ON BOARD, GIRL!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

My sister is fascinated with the dark arts and I keep telling her that torturing innocent muggles isn't a good thing for thirteen-year-olds to be doing. I am seventeen, and I still don't wanna join you. Not only that, but My mum hates the dark arts and she'd kill her own family if they were associated with them. she killed Dad for this reason, and I don't want to see this happen to my little sister.

Please say no without considering her offer,

Esarie Shawna Blue

* * *

Dear Miss Blue 

I already said yes to her. And why don't you wanna join me? I'm hurt! I'm a fun guy and I don't see why you don't want to be friends with me. Seriously, killing is fun. Ask your mother, she'll tell you so!

Voldie

* * *

Deae Me. Ton Msrvplp Riddlr, 

U Sm s rweeoble tuper, and ir is dark. bot onlt thar, bur I an a ghosr. I an Esaeiw's Das, ans I wanr you to makr my duaghtwr a deatg eatew/ bofh ob thek/

I;s wrire morw, bud I's a ghosy,

Damirl Bkir

* * *

Dear Damirl, 

To quote the wall of shame of a very excellent fansite – 'lather, rinse, repeat.' Got it.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Bald Vold, 

I am a hair stylist in Las Vegas, and I wonder if you would want hair replacements. After that, I would style your new hair, and all I would want is 500 United States muggle dollars, good deal, no?

Sincerely,

the hair stylist

* * *

Dear Stylist, 

I read in this weeks Death Eater Chronicle that hair is extremely out of fashion! I'll call you when hair IS in fashion and then we can negotiate. K? Cool.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort, 

We, the society for tasteful robes, cannot fill your order for thirty sets of pink robes, as pink is in and we're out of pink robes. We have replaced the order with thirty sets of black robes.

Sincerely,

the society for tasteful robes!

* * *

Dear Society for tasteful robes, 

I have just one thing to say to you:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort, 

We are sorry last week's 'death eater fashion chronical' didn't come in, we'll renew your subscirption right away. We will also send you a hundred galleon gift certificate for 'the imporium of black robes'.

Sincerely,

Maryanne Healer

Florish and Blots

* * *

Dear whoever, 

Tell me something – WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO MAKE ME CRY? I don't WANT black robes. Give me PINK. PINK PINK PINK! Havent you heard that:

Pink – It's my new obsession  
Pink - It's not even a question  
Pink – is the colour of passion  
And today, it just goes with the fashion!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Mr. Stupidity, 

I bought the last thirty sets of pink robes. Good luck finding some pink robes, because I bought out every store in the world!

Sincerely,

a person who doesn't think a death eaters deserves to be in fashion

* * *

Dear person, 

At first I was angry. Then I was sad (bawled like a baby, FYI). But now I'm thinking that you would make a GREAT death eater. Care to join me? I'll give you a free minion!

Voldie

* * *

Letter Credits:  
1 - Caitlin (surf all day and do the hulla)  
2 - Jennifer  
3,4,5,6,7,8,9 - Alice dra Tasuh Buad 


	8. The End

A/N: Hello. This is Voldie's assistant. Voldemort has been unable to answer your letters because he's busy promoting his new movie 'Happy Feet' in which he has a bit role. I have managed to forward some of your letters to him and he has finally (slow poke that he is) replied. So here they are!

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you now. Voldie will not be able to answer any more letters because of interactive policy. Apparently it's not allowed. He doesn't want to get his account deleted. So this will be the last chapter of Owling Voldie. Sorry guys!

Disclaimer: Please. I mean everyone knows this isn't mine.

* * *

Chapter 8

* * *

Dear Voldemort: 

Mr. Moony would like to say that Mr. Voldy is stupid to not think of just getting bit by a vampire to get immortality.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony & would like to add that his own little "prongs jr." can defeat Mr. Voldy with his eyes closed.

Mr. Wormtail complements Mr. Voldy on his nose job.

Mr. Padfoot would like to say that he has all the pink robes, leotards AND tu-tus safely tucked underneath him & that he has humped them all at least twice.

(The other 3 messrs glare at Mr. Padfoot with disgust)

sincerely,

the MWPP marauders

* * *

Dear marauders: 

Mr. Moony – Vampires aren't immortal. They're undead. Besides, they all hate me and would never bite me. How sad.

Mr. Prongs – Yes but you couldn't, could you? Killed you didn't I? Ha-ha!

Mr. Wormtail – Thank you darling.

Mr. Padfoot – Aren't you dead? And also – EW!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

I noticed. She's written about it in her dairy, and the stupid little brother read it... he won't even go near her. And I asked mom if killing was fun and she said it wasn't fun to have to kill someone because they betrayed you. is misusing muggle artifacts fun?

-Esarie, but just call me Sarie

* * *

Dear Sarie,  
Misusing muggle artifacts is an absolute JOY! Try it sometime. It ROCKS! 

Voldie

* * *

Dear Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle,  
I got typing lessons! It's not Damirl, It's Daniel. 

-Daniel Blue

* * *

Dear D.B, 

Congratulations. Now where's the celebration pie? Gimmie-it! I WANT PIE!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Lord Voldemort,  
We're sorry if we've upset you, would you like red instead? 

Sincerely,  
The society for tasteful robes

* * *

Dear S.F.T.R, 

Red would be alright. The death eater chronicle says red's going to be the new pink.

Voldie

* * *

Dear 'Voldie',  
We're sorry. would you like a gift certificate to the imporium of pink robes instead? 

Sincerely,  
Maryanne Healer  
Florish and Blots

* * *

Dear people whose names I'm too lazy to type out, 

No. I want red robes now. Pink is on its way out. RED is what I want. To match my eyes. RED RED RED!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
If I can get rid of all these pink robes by doing that, then ok. I mean, I bought three billion sets of pink robes! 

Sincerely,  
The person... who is also the annoying author who makes thee cry.

PS: I hope that doesn't make you sad... but you shouldn't hand out invites to random people. :P

* * *

Dear person, 

You'll have to keep the pink robes. I want red robes now. Unless you dye the pink robes for me. If you do this you can join my death eater troupe. Remember, you get a free minion!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie 

The other day in Flourish & Blotts, I saw Peter Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew picked a peck of picked peppers, how many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Pettigrew pick?

Concerned Citizen

* * *

Dear Citizen, 

You annoy me with you limericky tounge twisters. CRUCIO!

Oops. I singed the parchment. Oh well.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

What in all that is evil is wrong with you! My god, your pathetic attempt to hide a horcrux, was just that pathetic. Haha! I laugh in your face, I have stolen one of your horcruxes and you will never get it back! I you and regret ever meeting you, so long sucker! One day you will be as mortal as all of-arugj. (struggling for air) As. All. of...us.

Forever yours,

Master's Elf and Deceased

P.S. Master has died.

P.P.S Master is R.A.B

* * *

Dear House Elf, 

Are you on crack? If you are, lend me some.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Evil One, 

I hate you.

Gr,  
Mandy

* * *

Dear Mandy, 

I love you!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Mr. Voldemort  
I work for the Daily Prophet and was conducting a survey of wizards and witches favorite colors. Ever since your obsession with pink has been out in the open, the amount of pink lovers has droped 100! So now, no one likes pink, it is now officialy OUT. TAKE THAT YHOU EVIL PRAT! YOU FAVORITE COLOR IS HATED BY ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyways. Just thought you ought to know.  
Sincerely,  
Ms. Delia Widgets  
Daily Prophet Reporter

* * *

Dear Prophet Reporter Person Who Is Evil and Mean,

Ever since Miss Granger caught Rita Skeeter and made her stop writing, I thought no other evil reporter could take her place. But now you've come. Join me! Join me and my band of death eaters!

And incidently, I don't like pink no more. Rite now, red is da bomb!

Voldie

* * *

Dear Moldy, 

Guess what? I know all the stores are out of pink robes, but I have a few extra. JUST ENOUGH FOR YOU AND YOUR DEATH EATERS. You could buy it for only twenty vaults full of gold. How about it? It's a good deal, no? Just come over to 12 Grimmauld Place. And don't bring your wand.

Sincerely,  
Ms. Bushy-hair

* * *

Dear Granger, 

At first I was going to come over and get the pink robes because even though I don't like pink anymore (haven't you heard that red is da bomb?) Wormtail started crying when he read the death eater chronicle that said pink was on it's way out. But then my assistant started laughing at me. Then she started singing "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. Which is so unfair because I'm not a girl. I think.

Anyway, then I realized that it's YOU. Darn it Hermione Granger. If you weren't so good, you'd make a great death eater.

Voldie

* * *

Dear coughcoughcoughStupidcoughcoughcoughHeadcoughcoughcough,  
I heard about the people making you cry... And I just wanted to add myself to their numbers! Attached to this letter, as you may have found out already, are 9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9,9 sets of black robes! (I KNOW YOU LIKE PINK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) 

Song of the Phoenix's Fearful Courage

PS-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

* * *

Dear Song of the Phoenix's Fearful Courage, 

Thank you for my new house. I've strung all the robes you sent me together and now I have a spacious little house on…

Gosh I was just about to tell you my hideout. How stupid would I be if I told you my new house was on Stoatsted Hill?

Voldie

* * *

Dear Moldy Shorts, 

I write to you on behalf of the Society for the Gathering of Clothing and Other Useful and/or Useless Artifacts fo the Benefit of Muggle Victimes of Insane Megalomaniacs/Dark Lords from the Wizarding World. We request that you donate 30 pink robes, 500 sets of green, lacy undergarnments, 10 socks with neon orange print saying 'LONG ROCK THE QUEEN OF FIRE-EXTINGUISHERS' and/or 'MAYBE TOMORROW, LAST WEEK'.

Should you fail to reply and/or send the required goods within this fashion season, we will use force and Swiss cheese.

Yours sincirely malicious,

Sherrie Sharida India Rose Dawn Vevilya Shiruri Oro Midoli Tol-De Bok (shortened version), Omnicat and Professional Bribist of the Society for the Gathering of Clothing and Other Useful and/or Useless Artifacts fo the Benefit of Muggle Victimes of Insane Megalomaniacs/Dark Lords from the Wizarding World

* * *

Dear malicious people, 

Now really. I was a little late in replying and you toilet papered my house and filled my fridge with swiss cheese. Jeez. Impatient people. I would have loved to donate to your cause but now I'm just cheesed off with you. Excuse the pun.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie, 

What is your underwaer perference? Boxers, briefs or thongs? Or, dare I say it, nothing? I tried asking Bellatrix but she just said something about closets.

-I am not a pervert

* * *

Dear pervert, 

I'm not telling you. But if you want a real answer you should ask Victor Krum. He knows.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie  
I regret to announce that your order in One Rings United(ORN)was abolished. You have Mr. Rat-face and Prissy Pants to thank for that. If you would like to place another order it will cost 9 galleons and a Basilisk. We hope you have a nice day. 

signed,  
Sauron (Lord of Middle Earth and President of ORN)

P.S. If you see any hobbits around please let my messengers know and your order will be free!

P.S.S. You still owe me ten knuts for the dark mark!

* * *

Dear Sauron, 

Alright you silly man. I shall punish Wormtail and Bellatrix for this. Here are your 9 galleons and basilisk egg. But I owe you nothing for the dark mark. In fact, you owe me for giving you Saruman. He was such a faithfull death eater.

How're the orcs? Tell them that I miss them and love them.

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 

signed,  
umm...me I guess

* * *

Dear umm…me I guess, 

If a woodchuck could chuck….chucking wood chuck…wood…oh for heavens sake!

chuck it

Voldie

* * *

Dear Voldie,  
How dare you tell JKR to kill me? You'll pay for that, mark my words! If anyone should die it's you! Ha! I'll be researching how to destroy you! You won't be around much longer! Harry will finish you! 

signed,  
Hermione Granger

* * *

Dear Miss Granger 

:gulp:

Voldie

* * *


End file.
